sunday december 5 2010
All alone now I’m sitting on the couch, still a bit shell-shocked about the conversation that came up earlier between my father and I. How could he even remember such a look? It’s been over 17 years since the last time he saw Mom that way. I mean, really… beginning to shake my head like it is an etch-n-sketch board, trying to forget that kind of disturbing thought.
Could he be right though? Could she really be pregnant? If so, when...? Because she's on the pill and I always wear protection, so... how?
But another big question here is... Am I ready to be a father?
I'm in my fourth year in the NHL as a Blackhawk, and she's just starting her career in photography. I scored the game winning goal in OT against the Flyers to win the Stanley Cup, and she's constantly working on photo shoots, all around Chicago. As well, I won a silver medal in 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver and now she has to sometimes travel abroad for work.
Anyways, Cassidy and I, both agreed we'd wait to have children. Besides that, we both believe that we would need to mature a bit more before we would even consider bringing a new life into this world.
With all this baby talk, my head is just spinning. Now trying to think about something else, the break-in that happened last week, is coming to mind. It began to make me wonder though... Why was all my stuff left untouched, and why was it her stuff that was more important to the thieves? After all, she’s only a photographer.
Okay… I know that sounded awful, and I feel terrible for even thinking that and I’m not trying to say that her possessions or her career are not as important as mine, but it just leaves me curious. Why would they go through so much trouble into not getting caught, just for stealing a couple of things? Again with all this thinking, I’m left with more questions than answers and it’s just making my head hurt. But I have got to say, since we got back home from the game in Vancouver, she’s been acting different.
First there are her emotions that have been all up and down the scale... one minute she's happy, then angry, then sad, then angry again and so on. Then I have also been noticing she’s eating quite a few of oranges in the last couple days - this coming from the girl who told me she's not a big fan of them. - as well I have noticed in these last couple days that she has been getting up earlier than me, which normally never happens. And then... there was also what happened this morning when we were doing it in the shower. She kept moving my hands away from her breasts, not saying anything to me about why, but I went with it, since I couldn't argue about where she was guiding me to pleasure her.
Whoa…Okay… Now how did I just suddenly pick up on stuff like this? I guess, maybe, it was growing up with my mother and my three sisters.
Damn it, Dad! instantly comes running through my head as the pregnancy conversation comes back into thought. I heave a heavy sigh and I just let myself drop across the couch, so I’m lying on my side, with my legs draping over the edge.
Damn! Why did he had to bring it up? How come he couldn't keep it to himself?
As I’m still lying here I’m feeling that I’m beginning to nod off, and that my eyes are getting heavier each time I try to open them. I squint up to the clock across the room to see that it’s going on to 1:45 a.m.. So I guess I better head off to bed as I have practice tomorrow morning - well, I guess this morning - before the Calgary game.
Slowly I get myself up and make my way down the hall to the bedroom, and to my surprise, I find that the lamp on her side of the bed is on. She’s sitting up against the headboard, looking wide awake, and judging by those looks on her face, it looks as though she’s been crying.
“Hey...” I whisper as I’m stripping down to my boxers, “what are you still doing up, it’s 1:45?” pulling back the sheets, getting in under them, bringing an arm around her, then pulling her in closer to me. “What going on babe?”
Just closing her eyes, slightly lowering her head, ignoring my concern. I put a hand under her chin, and bring her lips up to mine in hopes she’d open up to me. Feeling her lips quiver underneath mine, I know for sure now that she has been crying. As she pulls away from me, she lays her head on my chest and whispers something. At first I thought she had mumbled 'nothing' as an answer to my question, but wanting to be sure that's what she said, I asked her to repeat herself,
"Everything." she repeats a bit louder this time, moving herself away, putting some space between us, she sits back against the headboard, silent.
Not again. I won’t let her try to avoid the subject any longer. No matter how tired I am right now, I want to know more behind what she meant by ‘everything’.
"Babe, what do you mean by 'everything'?" I ask, expecting nothing in response anyways.
I'm about to turn over and go to sleep when it seems she's not going to say anything, she opens up.
"I mean, everything." she answers, emphasizing every word, surprising me. Now I'm awake.
Monday, December 6, 2010
* Okay, so this chapter is a bit lengthy. I don't know when I'll update my stories again, but I'm hoping to so as soon as possible. Happy reading! =) *
lady antebellum /-/ need you now
saturday december 4 2010
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"
"DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKING SMART ASS!"
"ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?!"
"WHAT ABOUT ME?!"
"YOU LIED TO ME!"
Then there was an instant silence between us, before I could answer him again. I know I fought him hard on this one, saying that they were things I just never thought needed mentioning, but he still saw it all as me lying to him.
"You know I have my reasons." I lower my voice as I feel it begin to crack from all the yelling.
This is something new in our relationship, by the way, we never use to fight. Even if we did, we'd be making up as soon as the it started, in fact, sometimes our friends would have to tell us to get a room.
"Yeah, I've heard the lack of them before." he said in a quieter, but still aggravated tone, as he turns his back to me.
"Don't." I mumble through trembling lips, and fighting back the tears that are welling up in my eyes.
"DON'T, WHAT?!" turning back at me, throwing down his fist down on the counter in an angry rage, making me jump back.
Him turning back at me like he did, not only left me speechless, but he scared me shitless. I have never seen him that angry with me before. After standing there for a moment, holding my breath, thinking about what I was going to do next. I know in the back of my mind, I'm going to hate myself for doing this, but I felt the need to get out of here.
So, I slowly walk backwards away from him. Still trying to hold back the tears, I make my way towards the front door, slip on some shoes, reach for my keys and purse from the table in the entrance, and leave. As soon as that door closed behind me, I literally ran for the elevator and took it down to the parking level. When I reached my car, I locked myself in and let the tears spill.
Again... I'm running away. I don't understand why I do it, but somehow I find it easier to do. I could tell he is not liking this fighting, as much as I am, but it doesn't help when I fail to open up to him. I'm always running and I'm beginning to get sick of it, but yet, I just can't help it.
"DON'T, WHAT?" I yell louder than I hoped while throwing my fist down hard on the counter unconsciously.
I noticed though that my rage made her scared. I scared her enough that she jumped back, distancing herself away from me.
That was a turning point for me; I never saw her scared of me before. I know I have heard her voice crack and watch her trying to fight back tears when we began fighting recently, but I never seen her like this, having fear in her eyes. She's a woman I've always known to have stood her ground, so watching her walking backwards away, consciously watching me, as she exited out the front door was something I couldn't take on lightly. I knew there had to be something wrong.
So as I stand alone in the kitchen, I know now that I need to prove to her that I'm not the type of man who would hurt her. She knows that though, ...doesn't she? I mean, we've been together for just over a year and I have never attempted to hurt her, not even once In fact, most times, when we'd fight we'd be ending them naked in each others arms.
I'm feeling terrible for making her feel that she should be terrified of me and standing in the kitchen isn't helping, so I go and stand in front of the window. The condo feels different. I do understand that it wouldn't feel the same after the break in last week, but there was something else. It involves the absence of her. I've gotten so accustomed to her being around, -maybe too use to it- but this place just doesn't feel like home without her.
As I continue staring out the window there's the sound of the buzzer coming from the front door intercom downstairs. I know it wasn't Cassidy, because she has her keys with her, so I continued to just stare out the window. Not answering the buzz the first time, whoever it was waiting buzzed again. Although I wanted to ignore it once more, I went over to answer it anyways.
"Hello." answering with no emotion at all.
"Hey, how come you didn't answer the first time I buzzed. I saw you in the window." my Dad's voice came on the other end of the line.
"Oh... hey Dad. Come on up." ignoring what he asked, just I buzzing him in.
In the few minutes that pass, while I'm waiting for him, I pace around my living room with one question doing laps around in my head, Why the hell did I have to get so angry? The more I'm think about it though, the more I'm beginning to hate myself.
"Knock, knock." he said as he entered my condo. "Hey, it looks good in here..."
"Yeah, we got cleaned it up in a couple days." I interrupt with my voice still in a lifeless tone.
"She's out. Where's Mom? And I thought you two were both coming in tomorrow morning?"
"She flying in tomorrow like planned... but she's worried about you and Cassidy. She told me take an earlier flight.... hey, no more changing the subject okay, so what's going on?" he asked noticing the lack of emotion in my voice, he motioned for me to go give him a hug.
"What's going on between you two? Your mom and I have been noticing a difference since the Vancouver game last week."
"It's just been about the break in. It's taken quite a toll on the both of us."
"Well, from looking around, it doesn't look as though they got away with much." while taking a quick walk through the condo.
"Yeah, they didn't."
Which was pretty much true. They didn't get away with stealing any of my stuff like my jerseys, sticks, the puck I scored my 1st NHL goal with, but they did take some of hers, like her computer, one of her cameras and some other of her photography equipment.
As we finished up setting him up into one of the spare bedrooms, I phoned in for some pizza one Hawaiian and two meat lovers. While we're waiting, I try at all costs to avoid the subject about Cassidy and me. So when the pizza finally came I was relieved and then thankfully Cassidy came in not that much later.
"Hi baby." I reply as I make a quick bee line the door to greet her. "I ordered in some pizza. One of them Hawaiian, I know it's your favourite." She looks up to me with now with no fear, but I can feel that she's tense as I'm holding her in my arms.
"Hi Pat." she greeted my father from over my shoulder, then turned back to me, "Thanks babe," she whispers, "but I'm not really feeling that hungry right now. I think I'm just going to lie down for a bit, if you two don't mind?"
"Yeah, sure babe. Go get some rest."
"It's nice to have you here, Pat." she mentions as she begins her way to our bedroom, "So... if I don't see you later on tonight, I'm sure I'll be seeing you in the morning."
"That's right, it's nice to be here. You get some rest now, okay." replying back with a large grin spread across his face.
Nodding her head along with a small smile, she disappears into our bedroom without another word and my father turns to me.
"Now wasn't that odd?"
"Like I said Dad, the break in..."
"No... it's something else." he interrupted me, "it's the way she looks."
"No listen, all I'm saying is that I've seen that kind of look before. Your Mom, she looked that way before."
There was a slight pause as I was trying to figure out what he was trying to tell me, he must have noticed it because he motioned for me to take a seat on the couch opposite him.
"Look son, what I'm trying to tell you, is that Cassidy looks just like the way your Mom did when she was pregnant with you."
Again there was another pause from me, but this time I'm sure there was a look of shock across my face. In my head that voice was saying,
No, she can't be...
Trying to diminish that thought out of my head, Dad breaks the silence again,
"But it's strange though... your Mom was always hungry." while he continued to eat the rest of his pizza, I just sat there across from him, trying to forget about this conversation.
Lying down on our bed, I began to feel bad for not joining them for pizza, but when I got home, my head was sprinting in a million different directions. I also began to feel a bit light headed like I did this morning, with the feeling a bit of nauseousness and fatigue. I sat up against the headboard and closed my eyes, hoping it all will pass in a few minutes.
Thinking about my chat this afternoon with Abby, Patrick Sharp's wife, I realized I needed to open up to him, no matter how frustrated he is with me. I need to tell him about why I have been acting the way that I am. So, what it all came down to I found out that the only thing I need most is him.
I have to tell him everything. I have to let him in, and let know about the real me. No matter how hard it will be to do so, because he just has to know. I'll just have to hope that he'll understand.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
November 29, 2009
.... As much as I hate to admit this, I never wanted to fall in love.
Especially not like this. And I sure as hell, did not want it with him.
But like a bad love song on repeat, he lures me in time and time again.
But hell, you only live once. We are both young and stupid.
I only moved to Chicago in hopes for a fresh start.
I only moved to Chicago in hopes for a fresh start.
I know I'm only running away from my past,
But if you were in my shoes you'd probably do the same thing.
I've heard it all before,
'No matter how far or how long you've been running,
your past always finds a way to catch up with you.'
So while I'm busy trying to forget it all...
All of what I felt I had to leave behind me,
-Even if it meant cutting out some of those I still loved-
I find something what I wasn't even looking for.
It was something that I never thought I'd find again.
He was different.
He taught me how to live again.
I thought this could be it.
Possibly this could last forever....
November 29, 2010
....So now here I am.
November 29, 2010
....So now here I am.
It's one year later and I'm living with him in his condo,
In downtown Chicago.
Everything has been going great.
That was until that one night in Vancouver.
When the Blackhawks embarrassed the Canucks with a 7 - 1 win.
The night that everything changed....