Saturday, January 15, 2011

time to put on my brave face. [-three-]

***Okay, so this Chapter is quite lengthy, and I hope it makes up for the long wait.
Happy New Year!! Enjoy :)***

sunday,december 5 2010

Cassidy’s POV

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
November 19, 2010
It's his birthday today! And we have to spend it in Calgary tonight with him playing a game against the Flames. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess it wasn't part of his either. I'm so that glad though, after all my whining about going to watch them play tonight, I convinced him that I should buy my ticket so it could be my gift to him on his birthday. Plus I throw in a bit extra when we get some time alone together. He seemed to be happy enough just with that as his birthday present, saying that all he would want is me for his birthday. And I guess that's what he got.
July 11,2010
It's been probably just over a week since I wrote but it was my birthday a few days ago and I (we-Patrick and I) spent it with a week in Havana, Cuba! I can't believe it! How could he have kept this a secret from me for so long? I had the best time and that was the best gift that he could have ever given to me. It was a great getaway. We'll have to take another trip like that sometime in the future. :) 
June 9, 2010
Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it in my bones. Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals and I feel that we are going to be heading home from Philly with the Cup. It was a nail bitter of a game today, but my feelings were right. WE ARE BRINGING HOME THE CUP!!! (Thank-you to my man's OT goal.) And tonight, well... Patrick and I definitely didn't mind losing any sleep! Anyways, I don't think either of us actually slept until the next night when we were finally back in Chicago.
February 14, 2010 
I was so mad this morning. I woke up to no flowers, no chocolate, or no card. I was given nothing more than a kiss and a 'Good morning'. -After I put in so much effort into getting his gift.- And I know I told him I didn't want to make a big deal, but it would have been nice it get a little something. I even waited the whole day in hopes that maybe he just forgot that he got me something. After we got back to the hotel after their game against Columbus, we head back to the room I booked, and we ordered a bit of food as a late night snack. A bit later he tells to me that he made plans to hang out with Duncan and his girlfriend for a bit. But to my surprise he takes me to the elevator -when I know that she stays on the same floor that I do, all girlfriends do- then he walks to a door and opens it. There he opens to a room that's dimly lit by candles, with flower pedals everywhere and some more room service, champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries. It turned out to be the best surprise.
A 'un-Valentine's Day' as he called it.
November 29, 2009
As much as I hate to admit this, I never wanted to fall in love. Especially not like this. And I sure as hell did not want it with him, but like a bad love song on repeat, he lures me in time and time again. But hell, you only live once. We are both young and stupid. I only moved to Chicago in hopes for a fresh start. I know I'm only running away from my past, but if you were in my shoes you'd probably do the same thing. I've heard it all before, 'No matter how far or how long you've been running, you past always finds a way to catch up with you.' so while I'm busy trying to forget it all... all of what I felt I had to leave behind me, -even if it meant cutting out some of those I still loved- I find something what I wasn't even looking for. Love. It was something that I never thought I'd find again. He was different. He taught me how to live again. I thought this could be it. And maybe, possibly this could last forever.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sitting up now against the headboard, flipping through the earlier entries of my journal. I may not have wrote in this book every day but it is the only thing that reminds me of all the good things in my life right now. Not only does looking back through it makes me smile but it also makes laugh. There are so many happy memories in here.

The funny thing is, is that this journal writing was something I never thought of doing before, but ever since that day I met him, it was something I felt I needed to record. He brought such happiness to my life. I don't remember a moment when I wasn't smiling when I was with him. All these memories, they were all things I wanted to remember forever.

So, then why the hell did he have to be so insistent about me going to the Vancouver game after the Flames game? I know that he wanted me there to cheer him on, but he also knows how much I hate that city! And it's not because of the rivalry between the two teams. It's because of other things. More complicated things.

Although he probably was so insistent because I was insistent about going to both the Oilers and Flames games just because one game happened to be on his birthday. Plus, I selfishly didn’t want to be in Chicago alone since I had been having some uneasy feelings and now taking a look back at what happened that weekend like the condo getting broken into and some of my things gets stolen, while none of his stuff gets touched.

As my mind continues to whirl, I begin to feel tears starting to well up in my eyes, knowing that my worst fears are catching up with me. I wipe my wet cheeks and continue to look blankly to the wall in front of me, then Patrick walks into the room giving me a little shock when he begins to talk to me.

Hey…” he whispers and I feel some concern in his voice.

What are you still doing up?” he asks as he stripes down to his usual bedroom attire, his boxers.

What’s going on baby?” he continues again, as I still haven't given him an answer. He gets himself comfy in bed, putting his arm around me, and pulls me in closer to him. I lower my head a little trying to hide my tear stained face.

Now I really need to think of a way of how to tell him. He can't live like this anymore, and quite frankly, neither can I.

He gently now puts a hand under my chin, brings my face up so my eyes are looking straight into his. He brings his face inward and gently puts his lips onto mine. My lips quiver under his, and I hate that I feel that I can't kiss him back with the same kind of passion. Don't get me wrong, I still love him and I always will, but the demons of my past are seeming to be getting the best of me these past couple weeks.

So, in need for some other comfort, I pull myself away from his lips and lay my head on his chest in hopes that the soft, steady rhythmic sound of his heart would calm me. As I feel my lips begin to part, to give him the answer he has been waiting for, all that comes out and just barely is, "Everything."

He rubs at the back of my head and neck then putting his cheek down so it's resting on the top of my head,
"I'm sorry babe, but could you repeat what you said, I didn't quite catch it." 

"Everything." I repeat a bit louder this time, moving my head off his chest and my body slightly away from him,  feeling a tiny twinge of fear from deep inside me. Sitting back up against the headboard, silent again.

"Babe, what do you mean by 'everything'?" he bit more alertly, sounding more awake.

"I mean, everything." I answer again, surprising him.

Now, he’s really awake.

Seeing Patrick’s reaction, struck a different chord fear into me this time. He may not have raised his voice or slammed down his fist but I still moved myself to the safe distance of a chair off the right corner of the bed. I bring my heels up to the edge and I wrap my arms around my knees. I feel guilty for feeling this way towards him, especially since he is nothing like that monster.

Now as we are both staring blankly at each other, he sits himself up against the headboard, and is about to cross his arms over his chest but decides against doing so, noticing me pulling my knees in tighter to me.

Patrick… I’m sorry.” I can barely manage to whisper,
seeing that he’s waiting patiently for me to continue.

I wish I could have told you earlier.” I continue as begin to let my arms loosen a little from around my knees as I see he’s showing an eagerness to hear what I’m about to say.

I… um… This never seemed to be something I ever thought needed to be brought up but considering the situation, I think I should.” pausing for his reaction again, nothing.

As I look into his eyes, I can only see some bit of sadness. Why should he? I though we agreed that we were people who wanted to wait for kids. I can't understand why he's acting this way. Does he really want a kid?

Taking a deep breath, I try to will myself to continue but as I look up to him, I lose my voice, letting my face fall into my hands now. Next I feel that he’s knelt in front of me, pushing back my hair that has fallen in my face, trying to get me to look at him. I don’t budge. Now he’s trying again, this time letting his hands rub my knees and up and down my outer thighs.

"I am so sorry for the way I acted towards you this morning. I was way out of line. I had no right yelling at you like that." he whispers to me, "I know this was completely off topic, but seriously I do feel terrible about the way I acted this morning."

Feeling that genuine emotion in his voice gives me a glimmer of hope that he just might understand, but in the end, I'm still the one who is permanently scarred. I'm damaged goods. And I feel so irreparable.
"It’s okay babe, you are okay, we are okay. We can get through this together.” he emphasizes every word, having one hand up on my belly, rubbing it gently.

Confused, I look down to him. I must have a seriously had a quizzical look on my face as he slowly and cautiously asks, “You are pregnant aren’t you?

I’m stunned. Is this what
he thinks this ‘everything’ is what I didn’t him. Wasn’t he even listening to anything I was just saying? That this was something that I never thought I would have to tell him and he thinks it was a baby?

"Baby… Hon, you okay?" moving one of his hands to my waist and the other lightly up on to my cheek to keep me looking at him.

"Huh? Umm, yeah…" running my hand through my hair, looking into his eyes, trying to figure out what I’m going to say next, that doesn't include me freaking out at him about bigger issues than a baby.

After another moment of just staring at each other with now even more confused looks on our faces, I finally find my voice again.

"I... Um... No." shaking my head, "I'm not pregnant." my voice breaking a bit.

"Baby..." I try to begin again, "What I wanted to tell you isn't about a pregnancy. Although I can see why you might think I was pregnant... like the way I've been acting recently, me acting like I'm crazy, always emotional, everything about me being out of character." I open up a bit more than what I thought I would, but still... I haven't got to the critical part yet. Taking in a deep breath, I continue.

"Well, first, a fact that you already know. Being my previous relationship leaving me feeling that I need to be a bit distant" I pause once more, this time to try and catch my breath.

"Yeah..." he cautiously agrees, trying to get me to say some more. 

"Second..." swallowing hard with my voice breaking again, "My given name isn't Cassidy Fischer." I say wincing, waiting for him to get angry, yell, anything. But I notice no emotion at all and then all he says in a calm, steady voice is, "What else is there that I need to know?"