Thursday, April 28, 2011

what the fuck did i just get myself into? [-five-]


sunday, december 5, 2010

Cassidy's POV

Feeling a bit of a nip of cold in the air on this early December morning, I reach my hand over to his side of the bed, and I feel nothing but cold sheets. Tossing and turning, I try to ignore the churning and twisting of my stomach, but then with a sudden and strong surge of queasiness it made me bolt to the bathroom.

Just when I think there is nothing left in my stomach to hurl, I always had to run back. Now after what felt like what could have been hours of hanging off that piece of porcelain, I am finally able to pull myself away without running right back. Since I am able to get my head out of the toilet, feeling even more exhausted now then I was when I woke up, I slowly make my way to the sink to brush my teeth and gargle with some scope to get rid of the horrid taste that is left in my mouth. I then get a glance of myself in the mirror and it’s a face I wouldn’t even want to look at. It’s a face of a liar and it’s a face full of shame.

As I grab for the glass on the counter that I’m thinking of throwing at the reflection staring back at me. I resist the urge due to the age old superstition of breaking a mirror brings on of bringing onto yourself bad luck for seven years. Although I've always been a person who doesn't really believe in those sort of things, but considering what kind of ground my relationship is on with Patrick right now, the thought of having seven years bad luck might not be something I want to chance.

Putting the glass back down onto the counter I make my out of the bathroom, grabbing my robe that's hanging off the hook on the bathroom door, remembering that Pat's dad is here, I walk into the hallway. Noticing that condo is dead silent as I continue on to make my way into the kitchen, I take a look up to the clock on the wall behind the dining table to see that Pat should be done practice, but he said that he'd go out to the airport after practice to pick up his mom.

I continue to look around through to the living to see if his father would be in the living room, perhaps reading the newspaper or maybe watching some hockey highlights on the sports channel, but there is no one here but me.

I turn back to the kitchen and grab myself a cup from the cupboard so I could pour myself some orange juice and there I find a post-it note on the cupboard door, written in Patrick’s father’s handwriting.

     Something’s up with Pat.
     I’m off to the airport.
     Pop Kane.

 I began to get this weird feeling as I sat myself down at the kitchen table with my glass of OJ. Not feeling all that hungry, I just sit there, thinking and worrying about everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours.

First Patrick and I getting into a fight yesterday morning, and I leave to go talk with Abby. Later on I come back to the condo to see that Pat’s dad is in town now, but I just head to bed. Then Pat came to be and that’s when I opened up about everything. As I continue thinking about it, it doesn't seem like all that much happened, but yet it feels as though so much has changed now.

As another wave of uneasiness hits at my stomach, I wrap my arms tight around my torso, as I do so I hear this crinkling in one of the pockets of my robe. Reaching a hand into the pocket I pull out a folded piece of paper with my real name written in big red letters.

It is the note that was left behind on my desk when the condo was broken into. I know that I should have destroyed it the moment I realized who it was from, but I knew that I had to keep it as evidence that he hasn’t given up on trying to find me. With some reluctance I open it, quickly scanning over what it says.

Feeling my heart beating so hard in my chest, it feels like I’m in that George Orwell novel, 1984. He knows so much and I don’t know how he could find it all out. I was assured over and over that he would never be able to find me. Although I know that I took a large risk of going to the game in Vancouver. Thinking back to that night I do remember that I did notice a guy that looked an awful lot like him, but I shrugged it off.

But then a flash memory of seeing another guy that also seemed to have a familiar face ran into me when I went for a bathroom break in between periods. The eyes, the smile, the sound of his voice, I could recall it.

At that mere thought it, it sent chills down my spine and I quickly threw the note onto the table in front of me. With the bright red letters facing up, staring up me in the face I realize now that I can’t stay here any longer. Even though I have again another bad feeling that I may be too late, but I just don’t want to feel responsible for getting the people I love getting hurt again. They are really the only family I have in my life now and that's why I know I have to leave it all behind.

Monday, March 21, 2011



I'm sorry I haven't posted anything on this blog yet, but don't fret just yet! I'm in school right now and it's been hectic!

I'm hoping to update this blog by this weekend!! :)

Friday, February 18, 2011

everything will be okay... i hope [-four-]

sunday, december 5, 2010

Cassidy's POV

He's just so calm as he is still knelt in front of me, and I sit there like I've just been shot. Okay... so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. I guess a better way of explaining how he made me feel, asking what he did, could have been like a tidal wave that had crashed over me. Before I continued on though, he moves himself up off from the floor and onto the edge of the bed. Sitting there giving me space, and resting his hands on his knees, waiting ever so patiently, unknowingly how much he really doesn't know me.

I wish I never had to keep anything like this away from him, but then again, I never thought that I'd ever have to tell him this.

"Baby, before I begin to tell you everything, you have to promise me to try and get some sleep. You have to go to practice in the morning."

"Babe... It's an optional practice..."

"No excuses Kane. You need to be there. I'm not going to be the one to hold you back."

"You know you don't hold me back."

"Please...  just promise that you will at least try and that you will be going to the arena tomorrow morning to practice."


"Good... And also you'll have to leave all questions you have for tomorrow."


I told him it all. I started off with something simple. I decided to start off with the truth of not exactly being born and raised in Chicago, like I told him when we first met. I told him that I was actually born in Vancouver, British Columbia, and that I was raised out in a small town on the BC coast. This then led to when I graduated from high school and moved out to Vancouver to start college. Not wanting to get into too much more detail than that, I just summed it down to this guy that I met and dated for awhile and that's why I'm now living in Chicago.

After almost an hour from when he came to bed, I told him that was everything. I could see that he didn’t quite believe it, but I couldn’t allow myself to keep him up any longer. So yes, his suspicion was right, I didn’t quite tell him everything, but wasn’t it enough? Because technically, I shouldn't have been telling him any it, but maybe one day I'll be able to tell him the complete and full details of my past, without the fear it lurking behind me.

Although I have a feeling that will depend on if or when he'll ever speak to me again after everything I just bombarded him with.

sunday, december 5, 2010 

Patrick's POV

Now that it’s been about three hours since she opened up to me. I haven't closed my eyes yet and the silence of this room is becoming too loud for my ears to handle. With new a heaviness now weighing on me I slowly manage to get myself out of bed and tip-toe around, grabbing a pair a sweats and a t-shirt, then I grab my duffel bag of practice gear from the bottom of my closet. I make my way to the kitchen and make myself a pot of coffee before I leave for the arena.

I grabbed my blackberry from the counter and texted Tazer to see if he was up yet. He probably won’t be, but it couldn’t hurt to see because I don’t know if I’m in any shape to be driving, even with a cup of good strong coffee in me.

My coffee was half way through brewing, when I get a text back from Tazer saying that he was awake and that he was going to head off the arena early this morning. I texted him back, asking if he could drive by and come pick me up on his way there. Almost immediately he texted me back, saying he would and that I should be outside in half an hour. Now my coffee is done brewing and I soon hear some faint footsteps coming in from the hallway behind me. I turn to look, expecting that it was her, but it was Dad.

"Hey son, what ya doing up so early?” rubbing at his eyes, “Your practice isn't for another hour isn't it?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"You're not fretting about what I said last night, are you? Because..."

"Dad," I cut him off mid sentence, "I couldn't sleep, okay. It has nothing to do with what you said last night. "

"You sure, it looks as though something is really..."

"NO!" again I cut him off, a little more sharply this time, as I pour myself some coffee into a travel mug, then I pour my dad a cup.

"It's just..." I pause, turning to hand him his cup, thinking again, this time more carefully about what I’m going to say.

"Dad... it's nothing. I just couldn’t sleep, okay. I have a lot of things on my mind right now." walking past him to grab my bag and made my way to the door. Without turning around, I mention over my shoulder, "I'm off to practice. Tazer is coming around to pick me up, so you could have my car to go pick up Mom from the airport. See ya in a few hours." And I left.

I didn’t have to wait long for Tazer to arrive, but it was sure a quiet ride to the arena. Nothing more than a greeting when I got in his car and radio tuned in on a local music station. When we arrived at the arena, we both went straight to the locker room. He went to out to the ice and I just continued to sit in my stall with my forehead resting on my hands that are enclosed around a small black velvet box.

I figured I would only sit in my stall for a few minutes, but those few minutes kept on becoming just another few more minutes. Soon all those ‘few minutes’ became three hours. I was some-what aware that most of the guys were coming in and out, they all greeted me, but then they just continued on getting ready for practice when I didn’t respond. The heaviness that I was feeling this morning is feeling even heavier now; I let my hands fall, rest my forearms on my lap and I slump over further. Practice has now come and gone and Tazer is sitting beside me in his stall. Oddly enough his words pull me out of my stupor.

Hey... You’ve been sitting here for awhile, man. Practice is over.”

I slowly raise my head to acknowledge that I’m listening.

“What’s going on man?” putting his hand on my shoulder.

I turn my head to look at Tazer. I begin to open my mouth not really sure what I was going to say, but all that came out is, "It was all a lie... everything... it's all been just a lie."

"Huh? What are you saying man, you're not making any sense?"

"Her... its all lies."

"By her, you mean Cassie?"

Feeling the stab again in my chest again, knocking all the air out of my lungs. Her name, what I thought was her name, just the top of the mountain of lies.

"Yeah..." I barely breathe.

"Surely it couldn't be that bad."

"You don't even know the half of it Tazer."

"Okay, so can you guys just talk about it? Work it out together."

"It's not that easy."

“Okay, so...”

“She lied about who she is Johnny! She made me believe she was someone else!” I just blew up. I couldn't take holding it inside any longer.

Whoa, dude what are you talking about?”

“She didn’t grow up in Chicago and her name isn’t Cassidy! It’s... it’s...” there’s a slight pause as I think back trying to remember what her real name is.

Fuck!” I mutter under my breath at the realization, “I don’t even know what her real name is.”

Saturday, January 15, 2011

time to put on my brave face. [-three-]

***Okay, so this Chapter is quite lengthy, and I hope it makes up for the long wait.
Happy New Year!! Enjoy :)***

sunday,december 5 2010

Cassidy’s POV

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
November 19, 2010
It's his birthday today! And we have to spend it in Calgary tonight with him playing a game against the Flames. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but I guess it wasn't part of his either. I'm so that glad though, after all my whining about going to watch them play tonight, I convinced him that I should buy my ticket so it could be my gift to him on his birthday. Plus I throw in a bit extra when we get some time alone together. He seemed to be happy enough just with that as his birthday present, saying that all he would want is me for his birthday. And I guess that's what he got.
July 11,2010
It's been probably just over a week since I wrote but it was my birthday a few days ago and I (we-Patrick and I) spent it with a week in Havana, Cuba! I can't believe it! How could he have kept this a secret from me for so long? I had the best time and that was the best gift that he could have ever given to me. It was a great getaway. We'll have to take another trip like that sometime in the future. :) 
June 9, 2010
Today's going to be a good day. I can feel it in my bones. Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals and I feel that we are going to be heading home from Philly with the Cup. It was a nail bitter of a game today, but my feelings were right. WE ARE BRINGING HOME THE CUP!!! (Thank-you to my man's OT goal.) And tonight, well... Patrick and I definitely didn't mind losing any sleep! Anyways, I don't think either of us actually slept until the next night when we were finally back in Chicago.
February 14, 2010 
I was so mad this morning. I woke up to no flowers, no chocolate, or no card. I was given nothing more than a kiss and a 'Good morning'. -After I put in so much effort into getting his gift.- And I know I told him I didn't want to make a big deal, but it would have been nice it get a little something. I even waited the whole day in hopes that maybe he just forgot that he got me something. After we got back to the hotel after their game against Columbus, we head back to the room I booked, and we ordered a bit of food as a late night snack. A bit later he tells to me that he made plans to hang out with Duncan and his girlfriend for a bit. But to my surprise he takes me to the elevator -when I know that she stays on the same floor that I do, all girlfriends do- then he walks to a door and opens it. There he opens to a room that's dimly lit by candles, with flower pedals everywhere and some more room service, champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries. It turned out to be the best surprise.
A 'un-Valentine's Day' as he called it.
November 29, 2009
As much as I hate to admit this, I never wanted to fall in love. Especially not like this. And I sure as hell did not want it with him, but like a bad love song on repeat, he lures me in time and time again. But hell, you only live once. We are both young and stupid. I only moved to Chicago in hopes for a fresh start. I know I'm only running away from my past, but if you were in my shoes you'd probably do the same thing. I've heard it all before, 'No matter how far or how long you've been running, you past always finds a way to catch up with you.' so while I'm busy trying to forget it all... all of what I felt I had to leave behind me, -even if it meant cutting out some of those I still loved- I find something what I wasn't even looking for. Love. It was something that I never thought I'd find again. He was different. He taught me how to live again. I thought this could be it. And maybe, possibly this could last forever.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sitting up now against the headboard, flipping through the earlier entries of my journal. I may not have wrote in this book every day but it is the only thing that reminds me of all the good things in my life right now. Not only does looking back through it makes me smile but it also makes laugh. There are so many happy memories in here.

The funny thing is, is that this journal writing was something I never thought of doing before, but ever since that day I met him, it was something I felt I needed to record. He brought such happiness to my life. I don't remember a moment when I wasn't smiling when I was with him. All these memories, they were all things I wanted to remember forever.

So, then why the hell did he have to be so insistent about me going to the Vancouver game after the Flames game? I know that he wanted me there to cheer him on, but he also knows how much I hate that city! And it's not because of the rivalry between the two teams. It's because of other things. More complicated things.

Although he probably was so insistent because I was insistent about going to both the Oilers and Flames games just because one game happened to be on his birthday. Plus, I selfishly didn’t want to be in Chicago alone since I had been having some uneasy feelings and now taking a look back at what happened that weekend like the condo getting broken into and some of my things gets stolen, while none of his stuff gets touched.

As my mind continues to whirl, I begin to feel tears starting to well up in my eyes, knowing that my worst fears are catching up with me. I wipe my wet cheeks and continue to look blankly to the wall in front of me, then Patrick walks into the room giving me a little shock when he begins to talk to me.

Hey…” he whispers and I feel some concern in his voice.

What are you still doing up?” he asks as he stripes down to his usual bedroom attire, his boxers.

What’s going on baby?” he continues again, as I still haven't given him an answer. He gets himself comfy in bed, putting his arm around me, and pulls me in closer to him. I lower my head a little trying to hide my tear stained face.

Now I really need to think of a way of how to tell him. He can't live like this anymore, and quite frankly, neither can I.

He gently now puts a hand under my chin, brings my face up so my eyes are looking straight into his. He brings his face inward and gently puts his lips onto mine. My lips quiver under his, and I hate that I feel that I can't kiss him back with the same kind of passion. Don't get me wrong, I still love him and I always will, but the demons of my past are seeming to be getting the best of me these past couple weeks.

So, in need for some other comfort, I pull myself away from his lips and lay my head on his chest in hopes that the soft, steady rhythmic sound of his heart would calm me. As I feel my lips begin to part, to give him the answer he has been waiting for, all that comes out and just barely is, "Everything."

He rubs at the back of my head and neck then putting his cheek down so it's resting on the top of my head,
"I'm sorry babe, but could you repeat what you said, I didn't quite catch it." 

"Everything." I repeat a bit louder this time, moving my head off his chest and my body slightly away from him,  feeling a tiny twinge of fear from deep inside me. Sitting back up against the headboard, silent again.

"Babe, what do you mean by 'everything'?" he bit more alertly, sounding more awake.

"I mean, everything." I answer again, surprising him.

Now, he’s really awake.

Seeing Patrick’s reaction, struck a different chord fear into me this time. He may not have raised his voice or slammed down his fist but I still moved myself to the safe distance of a chair off the right corner of the bed. I bring my heels up to the edge and I wrap my arms around my knees. I feel guilty for feeling this way towards him, especially since he is nothing like that monster.

Now as we are both staring blankly at each other, he sits himself up against the headboard, and is about to cross his arms over his chest but decides against doing so, noticing me pulling my knees in tighter to me.

Patrick… I’m sorry.” I can barely manage to whisper,
seeing that he’s waiting patiently for me to continue.

I wish I could have told you earlier.” I continue as begin to let my arms loosen a little from around my knees as I see he’s showing an eagerness to hear what I’m about to say.

I… um… This never seemed to be something I ever thought needed to be brought up but considering the situation, I think I should.” pausing for his reaction again, nothing.

As I look into his eyes, I can only see some bit of sadness. Why should he? I though we agreed that we were people who wanted to wait for kids. I can't understand why he's acting this way. Does he really want a kid?

Taking a deep breath, I try to will myself to continue but as I look up to him, I lose my voice, letting my face fall into my hands now. Next I feel that he’s knelt in front of me, pushing back my hair that has fallen in my face, trying to get me to look at him. I don’t budge. Now he’s trying again, this time letting his hands rub my knees and up and down my outer thighs.

"I am so sorry for the way I acted towards you this morning. I was way out of line. I had no right yelling at you like that." he whispers to me, "I know this was completely off topic, but seriously I do feel terrible about the way I acted this morning."

Feeling that genuine emotion in his voice gives me a glimmer of hope that he just might understand, but in the end, I'm still the one who is permanently scarred. I'm damaged goods. And I feel so irreparable.
"It’s okay babe, you are okay, we are okay. We can get through this together.” he emphasizes every word, having one hand up on my belly, rubbing it gently.

Confused, I look down to him. I must have a seriously had a quizzical look on my face as he slowly and cautiously asks, “You are pregnant aren’t you?

I’m stunned. Is this what
he thinks this ‘everything’ is what I didn’t him. Wasn’t he even listening to anything I was just saying? That this was something that I never thought I would have to tell him and he thinks it was a baby?

"Baby… Hon, you okay?" moving one of his hands to my waist and the other lightly up on to my cheek to keep me looking at him.

"Huh? Umm, yeah…" running my hand through my hair, looking into his eyes, trying to figure out what I’m going to say next, that doesn't include me freaking out at him about bigger issues than a baby.

After another moment of just staring at each other with now even more confused looks on our faces, I finally find my voice again.

"I... Um... No." shaking my head, "I'm not pregnant." my voice breaking a bit.

"Baby..." I try to begin again, "What I wanted to tell you isn't about a pregnancy. Although I can see why you might think I was pregnant... like the way I've been acting recently, me acting like I'm crazy, always emotional, everything about me being out of character." I open up a bit more than what I thought I would, but still... I haven't got to the critical part yet. Taking in a deep breath, I continue.

"Well, first, a fact that you already know. Being my previous relationship leaving me feeling that I need to be a bit distant" I pause once more, this time to try and catch my breath.

"Yeah..." he cautiously agrees, trying to get me to say some more. 

"Second..." swallowing hard with my voice breaking again, "My given name isn't Cassidy Fischer." I say wincing, waiting for him to get angry, yell, anything. But I notice no emotion at all and then all he says in a calm, steady voice is, "What else is there that I need to know?"