sunday, december 5, 2010
He's just so calm as he is still knelt in front of me, and I sit there like I've just been shot. Okay... so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. I guess a better way of explaining how he made me feel, asking what he did, could have been like a tidal wave that had crashed over me. Before I continued on though, he moves himself up off from the floor and onto the edge of the bed. Sitting there giving me space, and resting his hands on his knees, waiting ever so patiently, unknowingly how much he really doesn't know me.
I wish I never had to keep anything like this away from him, but then again, I never thought that I'd ever have to tell him this.
"Baby, before I begin to tell you everything, you have to promise me to try and get some sleep. You have to go to practice in the morning."
"Babe... It's an optional practice..."
"No excuses Kane. You need to be there. I'm not going to be the one to hold you back."
"You know you don't hold me back."
"Please... just promise that you will at least try and that you will be going to the arena tomorrow morning to practice."
"Good... And also you'll have to leave all questions you have for tomorrow."
I told him it all. I started off with something simple. I decided to start off with the truth of not exactly being born and raised in Chicago, like I told him when we first met. I told him that I was actually born in Vancouver, British Columbia, and that I was raised out in a small town on the BC coast. This then led to when I graduated from high school and moved out to Vancouver to start college. Not wanting to get into too much more detail than that, I just summed it down to this guy that I met and dated for awhile and that's why I'm now living in Chicago.
After almost an hour from when he came to bed, I told him that was everything. I could see that he didn’t quite believe it, but I couldn’t allow myself to keep him up any longer. So yes, his suspicion was right, I didn’t quite tell him everything, but wasn’t it enough? Because technically, I shouldn't have been telling him any it, but maybe one day I'll be able to tell him the complete and full details of my past, without the fear it lurking behind me.
Although I have a feeling that will depend on if or when he'll ever speak to me again after everything I just bombarded him with.
sunday, december 5, 2010
Now that it’s been about three hours since she opened up to me. I haven't closed my eyes yet and the silence of this room is becoming too loud for my ears to handle. With new a heaviness now weighing on me I slowly manage to get myself out of bed and tip-toe around, grabbing a pair a sweats and a t-shirt, then I grab my duffel bag of practice gear from the bottom of my closet. I make my way to the kitchen and make myself a pot of coffee before I leave for the arena.
I grabbed my blackberry from the counter and texted Tazer to see if he was up yet. He probably won’t be, but it couldn’t hurt to see because I don’t know if I’m in any shape to be driving, even with a cup of good strong coffee in me.
My coffee was half way through brewing, when I get a text back from Tazer saying that he was awake and that he was going to head off the arena early this morning. I texted him back, asking if he could drive by and come pick me up on his way there. Almost immediately he texted me back, saying he would and that I should be outside in half an hour. Now my coffee is done brewing and I soon hear some faint footsteps coming in from the hallway behind me. I turn to look, expecting that it was her, but it was Dad.
"Hey son, what ya doing up so early?” rubbing at his eyes, “Your practice isn't for another hour isn't it?"
"You're not fretting about what I said last night, are you? Because..."
"Dad," I cut him off mid sentence, "I couldn't sleep, okay. It has nothing to do with what you said last night. "
"You sure, it looks as though something is really..."
"NO!" again I cut him off, a little more sharply this time, as I pour myself some coffee into a travel mug, then I pour my dad a cup.
"It's just..." I pause, turning to hand him his cup, thinking again, this time more carefully about what I’m going to say.
"Dad... it's nothing. I just couldn’t sleep, okay. I have a lot of things on my mind right now." walking past him to grab my bag and made my way to the door. Without turning around, I mention over my shoulder, "I'm off to practice. Tazer is coming around to pick me up, so you could have my car to go pick up Mom from the airport. See ya in a few hours." And I left.
I didn’t have to wait long for Tazer to arrive, but it was sure a quiet ride to the arena. Nothing more than a greeting when I got in his car and radio tuned in on a local music station. When we arrived at the arena, we both went straight to the locker room. He went to out to the ice and I just continued to sit in my stall with my forehead resting on my hands that are enclosed around a small black velvet box.
I figured I would only sit in my stall for a few minutes, but those few minutes kept on becoming just another few more minutes. Soon all those ‘few minutes’ became three hours. I was some-what aware that most of the guys were coming in and out, they all greeted me, but then they just continued on getting ready for practice when I didn’t respond. The heaviness that I was feeling this morning is feeling even heavier now; I let my hands fall, rest my forearms on my lap and I slump over further. Practice has now come and gone and Tazer is sitting beside me in his stall. Oddly enough his words pull me out of my stupor.
“Hey... You’ve been sitting here for awhile, man. Practice is over.”
I slowly raise my head to acknowledge that I’m listening.
“What’s going on man?” putting his hand on my shoulder.
I turn my head to look at Tazer. I begin to open my mouth not really sure what I was going to say, but all that came out is, "It was all a lie... everything... it's all been just a lie."
"Huh? What are you saying man, you're not making any sense?"
"Her... its all lies."
"By her, you mean Cassie?"
Feeling the stab again in my chest again, knocking all the air out of my lungs. Her name, what I thought was her name, just the top of the mountain of lies.
"Yeah..." I barely breathe.
"Surely it couldn't be that bad."
"You don't even know the half of it Tazer."
"Okay, so can you guys just talk about it? Work it out together."
"It's not that easy."
“She lied about who she is Johnny! She made me believe she was someone else!” I just blew up. I couldn't take holding it inside any longer.
“Whoa, dude what are you talking about?”
“She didn’t grow up in Chicago and her name isn’t Cassidy! It’s... it’s...” there’s a slight pause as I think back trying to remember what her real name is.
“Fuck!” I mutter under my breath at the realization, “I don’t even know what her real name is.”