sunday december 5 2010
All alone now I’m sitting on the couch, still a bit shell-shocked about the conversation that came up earlier between my father and I. How could he even remember such a look? It’s been over 17 years since the last time he saw Mom that way. I mean, really… beginning to shake my head like it is an etch-n-sketch board, trying to forget that kind of disturbing thought.
Could he be right though? Could she really be pregnant? If so, when...? Because she's on the pill and I always wear protection, so... how?
But another big question here is... Am I ready to be a father?
I'm in my fourth year in the NHL as a Blackhawk, and she's just starting her career in photography. I scored the game winning goal in OT against the Flyers to win the Stanley Cup, and she's constantly working on photo shoots, all around Chicago. As well, I won a silver medal in 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver and now she has to sometimes travel abroad for work.
Anyways, Cassidy and I, both agreed we'd wait to have children. Besides that, we both believe that we would need to mature a bit more before we would even consider bringing a new life into this world.
With all this baby talk, my head is just spinning. Now trying to think about something else, the break-in that happened last week, is coming to mind. It began to make me wonder though... Why was all my stuff left untouched, and why was it her stuff that was more important to the thieves? After all, she’s only a photographer.
Okay… I know that sounded awful, and I feel terrible for even thinking that and I’m not trying to say that her possessions or her career are not as important as mine, but it just leaves me curious. Why would they go through so much trouble into not getting caught, just for stealing a couple of things? Again with all this thinking, I’m left with more questions than answers and it’s just making my head hurt. But I have got to say, since we got back home from the game in Vancouver, she’s been acting different.
First there are her emotions that have been all up and down the scale... one minute she's happy, then angry, then sad, then angry again and so on. Then I have also been noticing she’s eating quite a few of oranges in the last couple days - this coming from the girl who told me she's not a big fan of them. - as well I have noticed in these last couple days that she has been getting up earlier than me, which normally never happens. And then... there was also what happened this morning when we were doing it in the shower. She kept moving my hands away from her breasts, not saying anything to me about why, but I went with it, since I couldn't argue about where she was guiding me to pleasure her.
Whoa…Okay… Now how did I just suddenly pick up on stuff like this? I guess, maybe, it was growing up with my mother and my three sisters.
Damn it, Dad! instantly comes running through my head as the pregnancy conversation comes back into thought. I heave a heavy sigh and I just let myself drop across the couch, so I’m lying on my side, with my legs draping over the edge.
Damn! Why did he had to bring it up? How come he couldn't keep it to himself?
As I’m still lying here I’m feeling that I’m beginning to nod off, and that my eyes are getting heavier each time I try to open them. I squint up to the clock across the room to see that it’s going on to 1:45 a.m.. So I guess I better head off to bed as I have practice tomorrow morning - well, I guess this morning - before the Calgary game.
Slowly I get myself up and make my way down the hall to the bedroom, and to my surprise, I find that the lamp on her side of the bed is on. She’s sitting up against the headboard, looking wide awake, and judging by those looks on her face, it looks as though she’s been crying.
“Hey...” I whisper as I’m stripping down to my boxers, “what are you still doing up, it’s 1:45?” pulling back the sheets, getting in under them, bringing an arm around her, then pulling her in closer to me. “What going on babe?”
Just closing her eyes, slightly lowering her head, ignoring my concern. I put a hand under her chin, and bring her lips up to mine in hopes she’d open up to me. Feeling her lips quiver underneath mine, I know for sure now that she has been crying. As she pulls away from me, she lays her head on my chest and whispers something. At first I thought she had mumbled 'nothing' as an answer to my question, but wanting to be sure that's what she said, I asked her to repeat herself,
"Everything." she repeats a bit louder this time, moving herself away, putting some space between us, she sits back against the headboard, silent.
Not again. I won’t let her try to avoid the subject any longer. No matter how tired I am right now, I want to know more behind what she meant by ‘everything’.
"Babe, what do you mean by 'everything'?" I ask, expecting nothing in response anyways.
I'm about to turn over and go to sleep when it seems she's not going to say anything, she opens up.
"I mean, everything." she answers, emphasizing every word, surprising me. Now I'm awake.